0:00:00 - Michelle Pualani
Make sure you stay until the end of the episode today, because we have a very exciting announcement planned for you, something that we've been putting together behind the scenes and are releasing in the new year, so stay tuned. Today, we're talking about community, specifically, how to gather in an intentional, purposeful and impactful way. This discussion today is inspired by Priya Parker's book the Art of Gathering. Now, priya Parker was a speaker at Kajabi Hero Live. That was one of the best discussions that actually stood out to me through the entire conference. She brought this idea and concept to the forefront for me that I had never really intentionally thought about before. As coaches, creators and online business owners, we are gathering people together, whether that is a Facebook group or an online Kajabi community or a digital space for programs offers, one-to-one, one-to-many memberships, communities in terms of who's following you, your audience, your email list all of these places in which we are essentially gathering people together, and we're not only super clear or intentional about that gathering. The conversation that we're going to have today is all about how to be really intentional and purposeful so that you can have a higher impact. That means that your guests or your audience members or your email list subscribers or your customers can feel the impact of what it is that you're doing, what it is that you're sharing with the world, the business that you're running, the message that you have, how they can really feel, embody and walk away with more practical, applicable and intentional tools for their everyday lives. We really have to kind of understand this idea of a gathering before we really get into the discussion of it, understanding that the way in which we hold space for others is a gathering, whether that's very small and intimate, again a one-to-one opportunity, or a one-to-four, in a small hosted group setting in your home, or again one-to-a-hundred, one-thousand, three-thousand, a hundred and thousand. And being able to take these principles and really discern for you what it means to cultivate a gathering, cultivate that space and create a community. And in so doing you're essentially creating your own culture.
You are establishing a very clear purpose of having that community in the first place and you're really thinking about the people in that community and how your words, your actions and how you have created that space is going to impact them.
And that's what it is about today. It's about building that relationship, it's about fostering that relationship and it's about figuring out how to get the most engagement and the most impact out of that relationship. When we're creating that space whether that is a live Zoom group call or whether that is a summit that you're hosting online or even a live conference in person you've got to think about the container in which you're inviting people into this new alternative world and that they're going to be willing and interested participants in whatever world you're creating for them. As we dive into this conversation today, start to think about how this applies to your personal life, whether that is just a hosted gathering at your home, or to your professional life, in which you may be inviting people into a clear, intentional space and maybe not cultivating that relationship or that community or that audience in the right way, in ways you can start to shift, change or improve them.
0:03:29 - Joanna Newton
So I have a really funny story embarrassing story, about a gathering that I'm kind of excited to share and I think it's going to really make sense as we talk about this. But I was invited to a fundraiser for a community pool. So we have a community pool that's being taken down and everyone wants it to get rebuilt and build this whole community center. So it was this fundraising event for this community center. Now the invitation I received said it was a backyard barbecue. Hey, michelle, you're laughing. I feel like you might know where this is going. It was for a backyard barbecue, for this fundraising event, and so I'm thinking backyard barbecue, great.
I'm also thinking one of the things that's interesting about my town is there are people who grew up here and lived here forever and then people who moved in and there is a little bit of divide between these two groups and this was a fundraiser hosted by people who grew up here and lived here forever and I was like, ooh, I'm invited to the local event, how cool, thinking backyard barbecue. So I get up and show up to this event and it is the summer, it is hot, I am wearing like cut off jean shorts and a tank top in my Birkenstocks, thinking backyard barbecue. This is totally appropriate. I looked cute, by the way, like I thought I looked really cute. Well, it turns out the event was not a backyard barbecue. It was inside in their home, their beautiful old home, and everybody is like dressed up, like there are ties and polo shirts and beautiful dresses, and I'm wearing cut off shorts at tank top in Birkenstocks. I looked cute, by the way, but was totally inappropriately dressed for the event and somehow what I expected and what was happening were completely different and it threw off the whole night for me, like I felt I was uncomfortable, I was out of place, and when we think about gathering, these are the types of things that when the intention of the gathering what it is, I was appropriately addressed for a backyard barbecue, but not the event that was happening and what's really funny is that this might have been like completely unintentional or not. During the event there was like a presentation about giving and the guy giving the presentation was like I have all your contact information. I'll be reaching out to you individually to see how you might wanna participate in this fundraiser, how you can give. I did not get a follow up invitation after and maybe it was because of how I was dressed or maybe it was completely unintentional, but that kind of story makes me laugh.
And when we're thinking about gathering and bringing in community, that purpose is so important because how people show up affects their expectations of the event. So understanding the purpose of a gathering is so important and if you're that host, communicating that, setting the expectations is so important. And then I think also having a purpose just really can help you set the stage for an amazing gathering. When you're creating those invitations, when you're deciding the food, if it's an in-person event, understanding your why for the gathering as that host is really important, so that you also communicate that to your guests and the people you're inviting in, whether that's a digital community, an online space, an in-person gathering, whatever it is really getting to that purpose and that why, and then communicating that out, is a really important part of creating a fantastic gathering in community.
0:07:20 - Michelle Pualani
The story that Joanna is sharing is a perfect example of how that miscommunication really impact the experience for your community. So if you are intentional as a host, creating and cultivating the space in which your community not only feels welcomed but they feel like they belong, they feel like they identify with the person that you are laying out, that fits into the group, and they want to take action, they want to engage. Right, joanna probably didn't give to that fundraiser because she didn't feel engaged in the opportunity and we sometimes get lost in the sales or the lead generation or this kind of nebulous idea of how do I gain more traffic, how do I make more sales, how do I convert these people, and we don't think about them as people. We think about this disconnected concept of messaging, of marketing, of what am I saying and who am I being and how am I presenting myself in the world or in our online presence, in our social media, in our email marketing, on our pages and all of these things, and really we lack the connection with who that person is and what it is that they want to get out of it or how they want to feel a part of the experience. So starting to think about again how this shows up in your business and where you might be lacking some of these important and integral pieces of holding the space, creating the intention and having that purpose-driven gathering in some way.
When we talk about gathering, part of what Priya discusses that I think is really important is what's the transformation expectation? People are gifting you their time by engaging in the opportunity of an event or a gathering. It is the most precious and important, most valuable thing that any of us have is our time. So if we are paying attention to your social media, if we are opting in to your freebie or your lead magnet, if we are signing up for your course or your webinar, if we are engaging in your group program or signing up for a membership, there needs to be some sort of transformation affiliated with that. If it's an hour, if it's three months, if it's a year, whatever that container looks like, what's the transformation? What's the outcome someone's gonna experience? Because again you're creating a separate world. You're almost creating this independent time space nothing else matters type of opportunity that allows people to sink in and engage in whatever that container or space looks like.
Priya brings up this idea of you're wanting them to exit differently than when they came in. What are they going to say? How are they going to be, what are the actions that are gonna happen in that space that's gonna allow them to move forward in their lives a little bit differently? Or how are they gonna transform through the experience? And then really thinking about what is that specific group of people that's going to have the need for that transformation? We talk about this in the online space all the time. Nail your niche, identify your ideal client avatar, speak to one person.
But when you think about it in an event space, you're really thinking about who is that person within a group who's going to identify with the need, the transformation, the small container or culture that I'm creating for them, and what are they gonna get out of this experience? Being really intentional about what that is, now that could look like naming appropriately what is your course, your membership, your offer, even your opt-in? What is it called and how does it appeal to that type of person or the group that you're trying to call in, having really clear, articulated rules, being able to actually create boundaries for the space that you're creating. And then what does that invitation look like? How are you calling people into this? Is it direct? Is it more wide reaching? Is it intimate? Is it a little bit more harsh? What does it look like for you to be able to invite someone into that space and be really clear about what it is that you're calling them in for and what it is that they're gonna get out of the experience?
0:11:23 - Joanna Newton
And I'm sure you've all been part of great events and not so great events, right? Great communities and not so great communities. And if you think about some of the things that made it great or not so great, it will probably come back to some of the things that we're talking about. Did you know the why? Was there like a shared transformation, a shared experience happening during that event? Were you better off for attending? Even if it's something simple like a dinner party with friends, you wanna leave that dinner party probably feeling great, relaxed, rejuvenated, right? What is the goal of just that fun event, even as the host, if you're doing the gathering through social media? A fun event, a community, whatever it is being intentional about your why and that transformation that community will experience will give your guests, the people you're gathering, an understanding of what's going to happen and expectation of the culture and really help them engage and dive in and with that, understanding the story behind the why can be a great way that people can connect with what you're doing.
One of the things that we do in my business Millennial Marketer is make sure our clients understand the story of how we came to be, why we do what we do, getting them engaged and understanding that is an important part of building a relationship with our clients. Understanding why an event exists is so important to getting folks engaged and connected to what's going on. We talk all the time about storytelling and marketing. When you can show through a story what someone might experience or why they might want to be involved, that can be so much more powerful than just saying come, join, it'll be great. You can actually share and connect on a much deeper level when you tell stories and you connect with people on that story. And being someone who creates a lot of little communities and gatherings and meetings and all of those things every day, I can tell the difference between something going well because everybody's on the same page. Everybody knows why they're there, everybody is connected to the story of what's going on and when that doesn't happen, there's a clear difference in energy in the room when everybody's on the same page.
The other thing, too, to connect with is that there is an importance to having some sort of healthy disagreement. The truth is, change in transformation doesn't happen if there's no sort of disagreement or matter at hand where different people, different ideas, are coming together. Learning how to create the environment where there can be healthy. Disagreement can also make those interactions more meaningful. I'm not someone who's too scared about conflict and having tough conversations is actually something that sparks joy in my life and, I know, helps me grow. But I know for some people that can be super intimidating and I probably scare them away. Figuring out how to set the stage for that healthy disagreement is really important when you're gathering people.
0:14:42 - Michelle Pualani
The term in art of gathering is disputable. You want something that is actually disputable, because the term that we're all familiar with if you stand for everything, you stand for nothing. If you speak to everyone, you speak to no one is really relevant here. You have to have a very intentional, clear purpose and then very intentional, clear language, whether that is the rules that you set up or the engagement that you expect or the type of person that you're drawing in. What we want to help you guard against is this vague notion, a deluded sense of gathering, like Joanne is mentioning. We don't really know why we're here, we don't really know what we're doing and we don't know really who or care about who we're doing it with. That's not the type of community that you want to create for yourself. You want to be really intentional, really clear about the type of person who is going to benefit from your community or your gathering, the type of person who's going to be drawn to it and also walk away with that transformation, taking the opportunity to get really clear about what that is. Whether that takes some market research, whether that takes trial and error, or whether that takes you taking some reflection time. Tune in, what does that look like for you and what do you want that to be? Articulating that as you move forward into the gathering, which really brings up this idea of inclusivity and exclusivity? This is something that stood out to me in a big way in the discussion that Priya was having at KHL is that you actually want to be exclusive. We're coming from a world, especially in the past few years, of inclusive, inclusive, inclusive, include everybody. Everyone should be welcome. We're not talking about diversity here. When we're talking about exclusivity, when we talk about inclusivity, we are talking about whatever that means for you in terms of religion, race, ethnic identification, gender, whatever that looks like for you. Being inclusive in that way, being exclusive, has more to do with other identifying factors of who we are and how we show up in the world. That can help you more clearly align with again, the type of person who's going to benefit from your experience. It's okay to set boundaries.
One of the examples that Priya gives that I really loved was that there was a group for I believe it was 30 to 40 or in that age range of people who had lost someone to cancer. This was the survived spouse or partner. He held the space for this community at this particular age group. Somebody wanted to join that group but they were 50 plus and he politely declined, giving him the reason behind that. Then he helped him find another group in which he was going to be supported at that age range. At first that person, that individual who wanted to join, felt dejected and was upset that they couldn't be a part of this one group. After some time and being in the other group, he actually acknowledged and identified that there are different things that we go through at different ages and our responses are going to be very different, and what that means for our lives. He went back to the original host and thanked him for not including him so that he could find the space in which he was really meant to be.
We often think that by being exclusive, by saying no to people, by creating the boundaries, that we're doing them a disservice. But we're serving the people in our community with more integrity by creating that safe space as well as offering that other person to find the space in which they truly belong. More so, I think that we have to think of exclusivity as really the host protecting the community, protecting the gathering, protecting the members within that space Again, not doing it based off of discrimination. Doing it based off of the way in which the group was set up, with the rules in place and having the integrity of holding those boundaries. What that can really lead to is opportunity for creativity and the success of the group and the members within, so that they can truly thrive.
We have 8 billion people on this planet. There are hundreds of businesses, if not thousands and millions. There are lots of different community spaces and groups and ultimately, the goal is for each person to find the group that they belong to and that they feel comfortable enough being themselves in, and sometimes that means that they might have to find another group, and being okay with that, being okay with setting the boundary, being that host, that's going to maintain the integrity of the space that you've cultivated.
0:19:16 - Joanna Newton
Yeah, and what this might look like for you. If you're creating a community, creating a gathering, a group of any kind, is you're going through the process of understanding your why, identifying the transformation that people will experience during that, figuring out the story of what that group is, how people can connect and engage, and then really defining who is it that is going to be involved. These steps, when we go through them as a marketer, it's like this is creating your brand in a lot of ways. These are a lot of the steps you're going to take if you're creating a brand. Who is it for, why? What is your story? What's the transformation? What's that? Point A to point B and then really the next step is you're really creating almost your own nation. You're creating this sort of alternate place where people can connect with you, and when you think about some of the best brands and the best brand recognition, there's normally like inside jokes and sort of different rules for acting in that way in that community that actually help people connect around that brand. And one of the things that I think about when I think about this concept of community and creating your own nation is my high school theater experience.
High school theater was a community in and of itself and there was a language we spoke, there were traditions we had, there were things that we did that were so specific to that world and it brought us together in a way that we wouldn't have had if all of these things weren't there. We had a purpose to be together. We were putting on a show, we had connected stories you know how many stories of old cast parties and old people and the past shows. All of that history went into that community and those stories were told by the leaders. They were told and passed down from like generation of theater kid to generation of theater kid. There was this thing that we did. If my theater teachers are listening, they shouldn't know this because I think they all knew we did what I'm about to tell you all the grownups, but we weren't supposed to do it. So in your year, your last show, you were supposed to sneak into the attic to this like various place in the school and sign your name on the walls. So there was this area of everybody's signatures that went through the theater program. You had to sneak there. You had to do it your last show. You had to go sign that wall and that was just something you did. So when you were a freshman, coming into that community, you knew you were going to do that as a senior and it was going to be like your way to kind of commemorate your time there.
These little things that happen in a community is what makes them special and what makes people come back every year and what makes people want to be a part of it.
And I think sometimes when we're creating community we kind of forget about those little funny things that truly make community special. You can think about what those things can be. A lot of times those things will develop organically but it's your job as a host to tell those stories, keep the generations going, keep the traditions happening and really setting the stage for that sort of temporary world. You're creating that temporary community and it can be really easy to kind of forget your role as a host. I think a lot of times that we want to not appear to be like the authority figure or have a hierarchy or setting the stage, but understanding your role and your power and your authority in that situation can really keep the gathering the way it's supposed to. Thinking back to that example of like high school theater, you had the adults that were in charge, and then you had the seniors who had passed down information to the other people in the community. Like those roles are so important to creating that nation, creating that community and keeping people engaged.
0:23:25 - Michelle Pualani
This example makes me think of a really popular online group that has disbanded because the leaders and coordinators shifted to something different. There was a community called Screw the 9 to 5. And just in the title you can think about the type of person who's going to appeal to that type of energy. You can really let your personality come to the forefront here. I think so often we look at comparisons and we look at what someone else has done that's been successful and if we think, if we replicate what it is that they're doing, that we are also going to see that level of success. But what I found is that more often than not, the people who see the success are because they brought their own unique qualities to the table. Maybe they were following other people's strategies, templates and approaches, but ultimately it was their personality, their distinct energy, that helped define who they were attracting, what they were attracting them for and why they were coming together.
Having that intentionality as a host is very, very important. I like the term that Pria uses, which is generous authority. This isn't meant to be a dictatorship necessarily, where you're sitting in a place of egotistical power and you're demanding and delegating and keeping all of this energy around. Oh, the importance of me. But you are taking a more systematic approach to your authority and your presence and ultimately you have that responsibility as a community builder. You are responsible for the connection that happens in that community. You're responsible for the engagement that happens in that community. You're honestly responsible for people's experiences in that community and what they are going to get out of it. Again, defining that transformation, setting that intention, having that purpose, defining the rules and actually creating the expectations for how people are meant to engage in that space.
And it's really actually being generous in that way is that, if you've ever showed up to a party and felt like, uh, where do I go? How do I do this? Where do I check in? Do I put my drinks over here? Am I supposed to eat the food? Yet there's a lot of confusion that can happen and as a guest, you feel like you're not being taken care of. Now imagine you walk into an event and somebody takes your coat on the way in and they direct you to the check-in table and then, from the check-in table, they guide you to your first glass or your first beverage and then, from the beverage station, they tell you the appetizers being passed around. Feel free to help yourself. And then you have a designated seat and you can go to your designated seat and then it's opened up with a speaker and that speaker tells you what to expect from the evening. It's a totally and completely different experience and you can think about this at all levels.
Again, on a personal level, when you're hosting that dinner party or game night, what do you want your guests to experience and how do you anticipate the evening flowing and having that presence and that generous authority to guide the space, not letting guests take over? We all know those communities in which one person is talking for 90% of the time. That's not very respectful to the other members of the group. So being clear about what you want the members to experience and then having the integrity, with who you are as a host, to show up how you enforce those rules of engagement throughout the process so really thinking about what that looks like for you, what are the practices that you're going to have? What is the language that you're going to use?
If someone does step out of line in some way, what are the repercussions for that person? Do you politely guide them out of the group? Do they get a warning first? Are you able to quiet them down or guide the discussion differently? I think so often in the online space we get into these online group coaching situations and Zoom calls and again, sometimes maybe someone just takes over or they're talking about things in a way that isn't helpful to the rest of the group, or they're just kind of mulling over the same thing over and over again and you as the host and as the coach or the person who's guiding that group, has a responsibility to each of the other members so that they get the benefit out of that experience. Really thinking of your responsibility, how you're showing up and how you're going to enforce a lot of those things.
0:27:45 - Joanna Newton
And that's the one I think one of the hardest things to do as a host is redirect If things aren't going as planned right, and one of the ways I experienced this a lot was in running like corporate meetings. Running corporate meetings is like an art form. Especially when you have different people from different departments and different levels throughout the organization. It's really really challenging to run that meeting in a way that everyone feels heard, everyone feels engaged, everyone's part of the process and pulling their weight. And one of the ways that I've been able to be successful in it, especially in tough meetings, is things like setting agenda, sending that around in advance, sharing any sort of rules, like hey, we will be brainstorming this topic. These are the questions I'll be asking. I want to hear from each and every department and, as the host, calling on specific people to help move that when someone is taking over going in a direction that you don't want, finding a way to say let's table that topic, because I want to focus on this one, but I'll make a note to come back to it if we have time.
Finding ways to create that environment in the corporate setting, in a Zoom meeting, in an in-person corporate meeting, is really challenging and you do have to be very, very intentional about it. I've gone to meetings hosted by other people that have gone terribly, been disastrous and the point of the meeting never happens because the intentions and the expectations weren't set up in advance. And one of the things that's important in this whole process is to really create a sense of psychological togetherness as a group. In a corporate meeting you know the example we're just sharing that can be setting those expectations in advance. If it's a first-time gathering of people having some sort of icebreaker to let everybody kind of speak up and share and get involved, calling people out specifically to answer questions If you're in a group coaching setting or an online community, providing an easy way for people to engage early on, in the beginning of the gathering is really important, like thinking that first 5% of your time together is going to set the stage for their entire experience going forward.
You know, if you show up somewhere for the first time and you feel uncomfortable, you feel out of place, you're there, no one's helping you get in, the chances that you want to come back are very slim. Even think about your own social media accounts. Someone comments on your stuff for the first time. For some people, leaving a comment on the internet is stressful. If no one responds to them in a kind engaging way, what's going to make them want to keep following you Right? So thinking about how you can engage people right in the beginning is so important to create that sense of psychological togetherness as a group. You know I've hosted virtual parties because I've worked virtually for a very long time. Virtual gatherings for teams that are like supposed to be fun can be fantastic and they can be horrible and make no one want to show up ever again. And thinking about how you can Get your guests to engage early on in the event is super, super important.
0:31:15 - Michelle Pualani
You bring up such a great point of leadership, joanna. Is that really intentionally, when you're working with a team or you're coordinating with anyone, is you're setting a precedent and creating that space, whether it is just a meeting or a larger group event? There's so much to be thought about and as we start to wrap up this episode, as you're listening, just starting to think about all the ways in which you're holding space In any area of your life, any area of your profession, any area of the work or the business that you have, is how you can be more intentional, more strategic, more thoughtful in that space, building and thinking to the practical and tangible things that you can do, but also the energetic things, really leaning into how you show up, how you treat other people, how you're even being a guest at other events. One of the things that was shared with me early on in the business space was really being mindful as a customer yourself, being a consumer.
What does that experience look like for you? What is that journey and how do you want to be treated? What are the expectations that you have? And then flip-flopping that and thinking, okay, how can I translate that into my business or the work that I do so that I can treat others like I want to be treated. It's such a simple practice but so often we overlook it and we forget and we lose the compassion and we lose the connection and we lose that intimacy in that group or gathering setting. So, just being mindful of what that looks like for you, how it shows up in your life, in your work, in your business, and how do you want to be in the world, what type of host do you want to be, and thinking about some of these pieces to just kind of elevate that a little bit.
And speaking of community, one of the reasons why we wanted to host this conversation was not just to improve your ability to host and build community, but to also invite you to an exciting opportunity that we have heading into the new year, michelle and I always talk about how we can engage more with the folks who listen to this podcast.
0:33:14 - Joanna Newton
I often would get texts or direct messages or comments on the short videos that we post about all of these topics, and I love the conversations that I'm having one-on-one with so many of our listeners, but one of the things we feel like we're missing is a way for all of us to engage with each other. So that's why we've started the Her First Collective, which is a completely free Facebook group. That we invite all of you to join. The group is so that we can talk about these topics, answer questions and really support each other as we work towards putting ourselves first in business and in life.
0:33:57 - Michelle Pualani
Also, in this community, our intention is really to allow you to come to the table with questions, with ideas, with concepts, and get the support that you might be missing or lacking.
As I was getting started this is a big part of my story is that I felt very alone and very isolated in this experience of launching and having and running an online business, and it felt like the points of entry were very high.
That meant $10,000 coaches or $4,000 programs. We want an opportunity for you to get the feedback from working professionals in this industry who have seen behind the scenes of a lot of different businesses, to give you feedback, to provide advice at a very introductory level and hopefully get you to the point where you can understand what that business idea is and you're ready to launch it. Or you're a service provider, a practitioner in the space, and you want to launch a course you just want to talk to someone about. I don't even know what I'm thinking about. I don't have this idea in place, but I need some feedback, I need some support, I need a little coaching to discover the focus, to get the clarity and work toward that big goal. So we're going to open that up in this community in the new year and we're so excited to have you engaged.
0:35:11 - Joanna Newton
So right now the community is open. You can go to the link in the show notes and ask to join Right now. We do ask a couple of introductory questions because we want to make sure that this community is for female online business owners, coaches, creators, those aspiring to be business owners, so that we can keep our community focused. So answer the couple of questions, you'll be added to the group by myself or Michelle and then please introduce yourself. We will leave this episode linked in the community. So if you do have questions or thoughts to add to this particular topic on community building, you can add that right in the group and we can have a discussion around community in our community this week.
