Joanna Newton: [00:00:00] Yeah, and the truth is there's something really freeing when you start to think about your life experiences as lessons. So when you make a mistake, when something doesn't go well, when something doesn't turn out the way you want. Right? You could wallow in it and think, I made this horrible mistake. I'm horrible.
Joanna Newton: Have it affect your self worth, have it affect who you are, or you can say, what have I learned? what would I do differently next time?
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[00:01:00]
Joanna Newton: Welcome to today's episode of Her First. Today, we have a very special agenda because Michelle and I are going to talk all about lessons we would teach our younger selves. As a reminder, not really a reminder because it's the first time I'm saying it, but as a reminder, I want to say that the things we're teaching our younger selves are not out of regret.
Joanna Newton: This is us looking back at who, looking at who we are today and thinking, if only little me knew this, life would have been different or better or more full or less stressful or less anxiety ridden. And [00:02:00] we even both did some experimenting on our social media. Asked our listeners, asked our followers for their advice too, so today not only will you hear from Michelle and I on the lessons we would tell our younger selves, but we'll also share a little bit of insight from maybe some of you who are listening.
Michelle Pualani: Excellent point, Joanna. I think as we look back at life lessons, it's not necessarily regrets that we've experienced or things that we even would have done differently, because at the end of the day, we are who we are because of those choices, because of those things that happened to us, because of those life experiences.
Michelle Pualani: Things that we can reflect on and say, oh, this is something that I know I can take into the future and that can dramatically change or impact my habits and the way that I live my life to feel more comfortable.
Michelle Pualani: more satisfied, more full, more joyful. lots of these lessons hopefully will help you wherever you are on your journey, as well as relate to, you know, when you were thinking about the lessons that [00:03:00] you've learned up until this point, looking at your younger years or your youth. And again, Not sitting in that place of regret or upset, but just identifying, oh, this is something that I have learned over time or that I wish I had learned sooner because I almost just felt like there's a, an example that one of my mentors uses of the lessons that we learned starting with like a rock.
Michelle Pualani: It's just like a tiny little pebble. And it gets thrown to you and it's something that comes into your path and you experience it, but maybe you don't pay attention right away. And the next time that rock is a little bit bigger, it's a larger stone. And then it continues and continues until it becomes that boulder.
Michelle Pualani: And the idea is to learn these lessons before they become the boulder. I feel like there are certain lessons that I've learned quickly and easily, and some that have taken me a lot longer, and they've become that bolder. And so ideally, as we're reflecting on these, just give yourself an opportunity to think and say, what have I learned? What's something that I'm still learning [00:04:00] today? And what are things that I can help impart for other people so that we can share in the relatability of them or hopefully help them learn them along their journey so they don't get to the place of being that bolder?
Joanna Newton: Yeah, and the truth is there's something really freeing when you start to think about your life experiences as lessons. So when you make a mistake, when something doesn't go well, when something doesn't turn out the way you want. Right? You could wallow in it and think, I made this horrible mistake. I'm horrible.
Joanna Newton: Have it affect your self worth, have it affect who you are, or you can say, what have I learned? what would I do differently next time? You know, that's what we do a lot in. In my business, when something goes wrong with a client or is a little off or was more difficult than it needed to be, we'd be like, okay, what do we change about our process?
Joanna Newton: What can we add? What can we change to make this better? You know, rather than think, oh, we're horrible or that person's horrible or whatever it is. We just. Learn from it and move on. I'm [00:05:00] going to get started with my first lesson. And I have like, by the way, I have a surprise sort of juicy lesson coming.
Joanna Newton: Something I've like never said out loud to like just about anyone will be coming, but I'm not ready yet. So I'm going to share a less, a less dramatic lesson first, and we will get
Michelle Pualani: We've got to work into it. It's, this will take some time. We're like waiting
Joanna Newton: got to, I've got to work my way up to this one, but to get started, I know one thing I want to tell to my younger self, and this would probably be to like fourth grade Joanna.
Joanna Newton: I want to tell her. That you are actually better at math. And, and the reason I want to tell her that is because in my heart of hearts, as I was going through school, I was getting my education. I truly believe like my academic gifts lied in writing languages, creative arts, all of that. But what's.
Joanna Newton: [00:06:00] Absolutely hysterical is all of the numbers, all of the data told me otherwise. When I was in third grade, I was placed into an advanced math. No, not third grade, fifth grade. I was placed into an advanced math and I did fifth grade and sixth grade math in one year. So I spent. all of my grades above like a grade level in math.
Joanna Newton: When I was in sixth grade, they sent us to the middle school for math class. There was a group of us. So I was on paper advanced in math and those advanced math classes were easy for me. I took calculus as a junior in high school and got like an A plus, I was really, really good at math, but I truly believed I was better at writing.
Joanna Newton: Um, but my writing grades were fine, like I was in honors, but I wasn't like a star writing student. I didn't, I wasn't in any sort of special extra advanced writing. [00:07:00] And the reason I would tell myself that is because there are so many amazing opportunities in math and STEM that I did not see myself as a fit for.
Joanna Newton: And I remember taking, I took my SATs and I did no, like I did not have the SAT tutor. I didn't do any prep work. I took the SATs like just straight. I was shocked because my math scores were better than my English scores. It's not called English. I should know. I used to work for a test prep company.
Joanna Newton: Reading I truly believed in my heart of hearts that I wasn't good at math, despite all of the data telling me otherwise. And I think, you know, looking back, it's hard for me to really understand why. But it, I think it just really comes from the fact that like women aren't technically encouraged to go after math careers, to go after STEM careers and sciences, you know, data shows that when girls are 11, they start to [00:08:00] Being, showing interest in science and, you know, math and all of those things.
Joanna Newton: And by the time they're 15, they stop showing interest. And, you know, when we see images of women, we think that they're creative and nurturing and those types of things in those types of careers. We don't think of them as doing math, science, being engineers and doing those types of careers. And, uh, I think that had I embraced that, I probably would have seen some like a greater academic success.
Joanna Newton: And then when I think about what I'm best at in my career, in a lot of ways, it's, it's problem solving. Like my problem solving skills, which relate, you know, to math and science are my best skills. Creating a project plan and a timeline that is very You know, analytical, right? And so I just wish I embrace, like, actually embrace that about myself, um, and actually listen to the data instead of culture telling me that I [00:09:00] would be better at English or better at writing.
Michelle Pualani: I think there's a big lesson in there for all of us about leaning into our own strengths and not necessarily looking to external validation to tell us what we should be good at, what we should excel in, or how we should be acting, and how we're showing up in the work that we're doing, the schooling that we're appealed to, or the work that we want to do for ourselves as we start to take on jobs and employment and everything else.
Michelle Pualani: So. I think that's a great learning lesson to experience is to say, like, no, you are skilled at this thing and it's okay to be skilled at it. I remember in my childhood that there was so much trying to not be like the top of class. Not that I was like valedictorian or anything, but I tried really hard to hide how well I did in school and not Be the first to answer questions because I don't even know if it was like a location thing or just a generation thing, but it wasn't really that cool to be [00:10:00] smart.
Michelle Pualani: for me, it was, it was cooler to not be that proficient at those subjects and not showing up in that way. So great learning lesson. And I think something for us to learn now is looking at our strengths and assessing those with our weaknesses and saying, you know, as we get older and especially when we're in the entrepreneurial space, we talk about zone of genius.
Michelle Pualani: We talk about. Being able to tune into what it is that you are uniquely gifted at, especially as the CEO or entrepreneur of your business, as opposed to sitting into that employee role and just operating in the zone of even excellence or competence, and especially not incompetence, even though we all do that a lot of times.
Michelle Pualani: giving ourselves the opportunity to really lean into what we're uniquely qualified to do and own that and charge for it and let our businesses be based off of that. So my lesson is somewhat tied into that with strengths and weaknesses. But as I [00:11:00] was growing up, I always got the feedback and still to this day, I always get the feedback that I'm an old soul.
Michelle Pualani: And so even when I was 12, 14, 16 in that age range, I often was misinterpreted as older than I was. And so I think psychologically that put me in a different place as well as kind of being parentified throughout my childhood with my family dynamic in the way that my parents were split and older and younger sister and being the middle child.
Michelle Pualani: It put me in a place of service. It put me in a place of kind of growing up more quickly and being the responsible and being the financial. least savvy one being the person that everyone looked to, to be the mediator, the go between the one that was relied upon. And so with that, I felt like. Youth was a negative thing.
Michelle Pualani: I always thought that my age was acting against me because I was so young, even though I embraced and celebrated where I was at the time. Like I was grateful to be [00:12:00] at the age that I was when I was there. I always saw that being young was a negative thing. And I've seen this recently in some of my business group settings is hearing younger, especially women.
Michelle Pualani: You know, say that they need to prove themselves or that they meet, need to meet a certain level of expectation or that they need to be further along than they actually are. And I think that's where this lesson comes in is that we all think that we should be further along. I should have this by now. My business should be doing X by now.
Michelle Pualani: I'm supposed to be more successful. I should have more followers. All of these things that we measure and that we look to for those external validations of success, we're often saying that we are not good enough or that we have not done enough or that we have accomplished enough by now And the age that we are experiencing at that time is too young or not progressed enough. And so we're always looking to people who have done more than us, even at a further age, and comparing our [00:13:00] successes and our accolades at that time. So what I would tell my younger self is that your youth is actually such a strength.
Michelle Pualani: and not a weakness and to lean into that youthful vitality and energy and imbue it into what you're doing. You don't need more experience. You don't need more education. You don't need more training with where you are right now. Are you going to get all those things? Absolutely, and we all should continue to learn and grow, but realistically, with where I was at the time, having that youthful optimism and passion and enthusiasm for what I was doing, you don't have to know everything in order to be valuable and be able to offer that value to others.
Joanna Newton: it's amazing how. Impressionable, I'd say young people, but just about anybody is when someone gives you a point of feedback or labels you in a certain way or sees you in a certain way, it can be hard [00:14:00] one for them to see you differently. Once they've like decided who you are, it's also hard for you to potentially even see yourself differently.
Joanna Newton: You know, one thing that was a huge part of my identity as a child was, like, being a theater kid. Like, I did plays, I was obsessed with musicals, I could spout out, like, way too many weird facts about musical versions and obscure things. I still listen to musicals. I watch musicals.
Joanna Newton: I love musicals, but I don't perform anymore. I don't, I don't do that. And people who know me then it's like really who knew me then it's like really hard for them to see me differently. You know, and it was something I had to do to like, not be that person anymore. So when, for you, when people are like, Oh, she's an old soul, she's so mature, becomes part of your identity, whether you want it, whether you want it to be or not, or whether it's in you or not.
Michelle Pualani: we. embody those things that others perceive about us. And so we have to be careful [00:15:00] about deciding for ourselves how do we want to show up in the world? And what does that behavior look like? What does that identity look like? What are we deciding and choosing to be as a part of who we are in the world, independent of how people see us, especially from the past.
Michelle Pualani: We could get into a whole conversation about that, but there's a sense of people latch on to the person that we used to be as well. And sometimes it can be really hard for ourselves to change over time because the people that we're surrounding ourselves with still identify with the quote unquote old version of us.
Michelle Pualani: And so it makes us harder to get out of that identity. So excellent point.
Joanna Newton: And my next life lesson. I feel ready to share, feel ready, we've warmed up, is really baked into a past identity for myself of being a very religious person. I, I've talked about on this podcast how I was born into going to [00:16:00] church and reading the Bible and completely indoctrinated into a very specific worldview that had.
Joanna Newton: Very narrow ideas of how you should behave, how you should act, what you should do. And the truth is I learned a lot of great things. Like there are good things I learned from that world, but there's also so much shame and so much guilt and so much junk all tied into all of those memories. And for, for me, it wasn't until my.
Joanna Newton: Early, like my separation from that thought was definitely a process, but it really wasn't truly until my early thirties that I really broke three free from a lot of those thought patterns and, and, and the, some of the damaging things [00:17:00] that existed. And that's hard for me. So when I, when I look back, actually all of these life life lessons kind of feed into that life because I truly was.
Joanna Newton: A very different person, six, seven years ago, but like, it's almost like two different life phases. And the thing that I would, one of the things I would tell my younger self was, would be to not be such a prude, You know, growing up the way I grew up, having sex or any sort of sexual experiences outside of marriage was like the worst thing you could do.
Joanna Newton: And I don't know how familiar, Michelle, you are with like the world of purity culture. Is that something you're like familiar with?
Michelle Pualani: No, not technically, not that terminology. I mean, I've studied world religions, but religion was not something that was introduced to me from a young age. So it's, it's not something that I'm very familiar with at all.
Joanna Newton: in [00:18:00] the world of purity culture. And for those of you who have been in this world or are currently in this world, you know, what it's talking about is just the attitude that the, you know, modern American Christian evangelical church has towards sex and it is don't have it. Until you're married.
Joanna Newton: Sex is for marriage only. And that would include things. Anything, anything is on that list. and even like kissing, like you should not be kissing anyone unless you're like seriously contemplating marriage. Like you better, this person better be, uh, Potential marriage material. So one thing about me is I am a 38 year old woman and I have seen one man naked in my entire life, one man.
Joanna Newton: And I love my husband, life worked out the way it should. [00:19:00] soulmate. We are meant to be together. And it is super special that, that we have that. at the same time, looking back, just sort of think, man, maybe I should have been looser, maybe I should have explored my sexuality more, like all of those things, And here's the thing, because it's not just in purity culture. It's not just like the act, even like thinking about it. toying with the idea, being sexual yourself, showing, showing skin, dancing sexually. you're bad for doing those. Like the analogy, the analogy they give you in purity culture is you're going to be appalled, Michelle, when you hear this, this is what I was taught as a 10, 11, 12 year old girl.
Joanna Newton: A pastor would get up on a stage, probably a man to a group of. Young girls take out a tissue and say like, look, this tissue is clean. It's [00:20:00] perfect. Blow their nose, show the snot and be like, now it's dirty. This is what it's like when you have sex. and you can't clean the tissue
Joanna Newton: and people still get taught this Like I'm getting red I'm getting emotional because you're literally taught that if you have sexual thoughts if you do anything sexual If you kiss a boy that you might not want to marry, you're ruining yourself. You're making yourself dirty I'm still affected by that mentally.
Michelle Pualani: it's an overwhelming piece of information to consume. And I can't imagine what it's like growing up with that energy to think that you are such a bad person, you're dirty, like all of these things will be ingrained into you when realistically natural human instinct and urges are telling you differently.[00:21:00]
Michelle Pualani: And so you have this overarching authoritarian, authoritative, energy over you, essentially controlling you, and doing so through shame. and guilt and embarrassment and making you feel bad about the emotions and sensations that are coming up within you.
Michelle Pualani: That must be really challenging. I hope you've had therapy.
Joanna Newton: You know, I've never, I really should go to therapy. I've like never been to a therapist that that would be like a whole nother funny. I, I went to a therapist once. and it was for like normal teenage stuff. And that's a whole nother thing. But the therapist was like, you're not crazy. So it was okay. But I should probably go to therapy one day for all of this.
Joanna Newton: I do a lot of internal work. Do you know what I mean?
Michelle Pualani: Yes. Yeah. And the internal work is totally important. And it's not to say that you have to go to therapy by any means. I've just been in therapy for a really long time and I don't, I don't even have the kind [00:22:00] of scars and trauma that comes from a religious upbringing because I came from a
Joanna Newton: so much.
Michelle Pualani: My parents did do church and religious things when they were younger, but when they got divorced, they kind of got ousted from the church.
Michelle Pualani: And so, both of them took to their own experience with spirituality because of that. they kind of saw the rudeness, the conservative thought process that came along with it, as well as the lack of actual compassion and kindness that comes with religious rules, unfortunately, because I think what's preached in a lot of religions is that compassion, especially when you're thinking of the Christian religions.
Michelle Pualani: You're thinking about that compassion, that care for your brother, your sister, mankind, but, oh, if you do these things, you're not actually going to be a part of our group anymore, and we're going to. chastise you and treat you poorly. So that really, realistically, we don't need to [00:23:00] go down.
Joanna Newton: Make it make sense.
Michelle Pualani: we don't
Joanna Newton: Because it
Michelle Pualani: religious discussion.
Michelle Pualani: But ultimately, none of it makes sense. I mean, like, the whole, the thing is, is when you study world religions, it's very different than actually seeing what happens on Earth. on a, the stage of how people enact religion. It's just two very different things. And it's difficult because we have so much in our society, I think, that is underpinned by religious Practices that have been extrapolated upon by men predominantly and white men predominantly in seats of power.
Michelle Pualani: And so there's a whole discussion there about the patriarchy and control and ruling over women's bodies. I mean, like, essentially what you described, that's really, you're essentially controlling women's bodies. I hope that the lesson learned here is that it's okay to want to be sexy.
Michelle Pualani: It's okay to be interested in anyone and [00:24:00] experience, you know, like, I think sexual desire is actually a really big part of who we are as human beings and a really big part of our psychological development and how we're engaging with the world and with ourselves. I think there's a lot tied in with sexuality and spirituality because there's so much having to do with, like creation. There's so much having to do with creation there that I think there's, that's a larger discussion. So anyway, I've gone off track.
Michelle Pualani: So you, so you would tell yourself to not be such a prude.
Joanna Newton: Yeah. 100%. Loosen up, Joanna.
Michelle Pualani: Loosen up. Not to, not to say that you had to be more loose cause that was a hilarious comment.
Michelle Pualani: Not necessarily that
Joanna Newton: Yeah, correct.
Michelle Pualani: to loosen up a little bit.
Joanna Newton: Yeah, 100%.
Michelle Pualani: So my next lesson is honoring your own integrity with yourself. So I think that so often, especially as women, as we're being taught, we've [00:25:00] talked about this a little bit in terms of being polite, saying the right thing, needing to be of service, be nurturing, be quiet, like, All of those things that were taught throughout our childhood as female identified persons, typically in the generation that we grew up in. and throughout that, what we're essentially being told is to compromise on our own integrity, compromise on ourselves, compromise what we want, what we desire in order to meet other people's needs. We need to mute. ourselves. We need to change ourselves and we need to adjust ourselves to meet other people's expectations as well as to meet the environment's expectations and to please other people.
Michelle Pualani: I mean, when you think of the religious background and the undertones of that in our culture and our society is pleasing men, like essentially you're there to please your husband, you're there to provide for your husband when it comes to the home, bear children, like all of those types of things. And I think that Even without a religious [00:26:00] background, that bears impact on the way that women are raised.
Michelle Pualani: And so for me, I lost a lot of my own integrity with myself, and I got away from figuring out what it is that I truly wanted in the world, how I was showing up, and I would often compromise my word to myself in order to meet other people's needs, wants, desires, and demands.
Joanna Newton: putting other people's needs above your own, compromising yourself for the sake of others to not cause stress to someone else or alarm to someone else.
Joanna Newton: That really relates to my next lesson, which is I would tell my anchor self that like quitting is okay sometimes. And that is not something that, that I would do. If I was committed to something, I would see it through no matter what. And like, and like go through with it just because and and sometimes you [00:27:00] need to quit.
Joanna Newton: Sometimes you need to not fulfill even a promise you've made. You know, I'll go so far. Not just prom like if you said I'm going to do this, sometimes, You can say no and, and go back on a commitment. what's funny is this is not so much like theological church trauma, but I've got another, we're just full of church trauma stories today.
Joanna Newton: so my first boyfriend, of course I was going to have to marry him, side note, because, we were dating and we were 17 and it was the church. And so we had to get married. I realized I didn't like him pretty early on, but like stayed way longer than I should have because of that. we started dating, like I pictured myself having to get married.
Joanna Newton: They got to have nightmares about marrying this man and being upset about it. And I still thought, and I still dated him anyway, that's not the point of the story. So the reason I met him is we were in, this is so dorky, what I'm about to tell you, we were in a traveling church theater group.
Joanna Newton: We'd put on a show and go [00:28:00] to other churches and do these plays to get other people to follow Jesus. Like I did that. Like that is something I did. And that is where I met my first boyfriend and that is where I met him. Side note. We also, like we stayed in host homes, like we would go to these churches, do these performances and then stay at strangers houses by ourselves.
Joanna Newton: Like, this is so unsafe, it's wildly unsafe. Anyway, it's ama it's amazing I never got murdered or, like, raped, I don't know. But it luckily, neither neither of those things happened. But, so, I was in this thing, and this is where I met him. So, we were dating. We were together. I eventually convinced him to break like, I got him to break up with me by just, like, always being too busy for him.
Joanna Newton: Cause I couldn't break up with him. So I just kind of, I was like, Oh, I can't answer your call. And like, eventually he broke up with me. Now his parents were the people who ran church [00:29:00] theater singing group and I was committed. So I had the lead in the show and it was next time we had a performance after we broke up.
Joanna Newton: this is a weekend, this is overnights. And I kept going and it was horrible. His mom was a therapist and pulled me aside to have, and this is something that would often happen at this group, like an adult would have something on their heart to talk to you about. the truth is it really wasn't about trying to turn people into Christians.
Joanna Newton: It was about like controlling us children. And so an adult would pull you aside because they had something on their heart to share and his mom. Used all of my childhood trauma that she knew about me because of the type of position she had as Um, reasons for saying I only broke up with her son because I was incapable [00:30:00] of being in relationship with people because of all of my childhood trauma.
Joanna Newton: And I kept going back to finish my commitment of being the lead in this play for her while being psychologically manipulated. Right. And like, why didn't I just quit? I, I'm like. angry at myself for not taking myself out of that unsafe, inappropriate position. I just didn't like her son.
Joanna Newton: He was a very nice boy. I didn't like him and that's okay. And we should have all just moved on. And instead she brought everything she knew about me, everything she knew about my family because she knew my parents. She knew my, my siblings, all of our shit. She was like, well, you're incapable of, of loving because of X, Y, Z.
Joanna Newton: And then I let that narrative be part of who I [00:31:00] was for way too long, way too long. And I should have quit. My parents should have told me to quit.
Michelle Pualani: unfortunately, I think at that young of an age, even though you're close to being a quote unquote adult, like you technically aren't able to make sense of all of that. Really. You don't have the perspective. You don't have the developed sense of self and identity to guard against that. It's like, yes, those most formidable years when you're young, I think it's like zero to seven.
Michelle Pualani: Um, Are the times in which you're just kind of like a subconscious sponge and you're soaking up your environment and what people are telling you and you're all the languaging and the patterns and the behaviors and the habits, good and bad and everything you're picking up at that time. But even as you're moving through those teen years, you're really not a full person.
Michelle Pualani: Like, I think that there's so much demand on young people now to be Older and be more developed than they truly are. And there are so many things that [00:32:00] we do at that age that are not a good reflection of how we want to continue showing up in the world. It was very wrong of her to manipulate in that way.
Michelle Pualani: Unfortunately, there's so much manipulation that comes along with religious practices, and those who practice certain types of religions, and it's obviously not everybody, but there are a lot of people who have that. in them, unfortunately, and they use religion as a control mechanism and as a shaming mechanism and a way to get you to do what you want them to do, which is really unfortunate.
Michelle Pualani: And so at that age, 17, even though again, you're close to being an adult, you don't have the faculties necessarily to decide and discern for yourself that this is an unsafe environment for me, that I don't have to listen or. internalize what it is that you're saying to me and that I get to make different decisions and leave this situation or leave [00:33:00] this situation, leave this environment.
Michelle Pualani: that's really difficult. And there are a lot of instances in which we compromise, again, ourselves and the integrity that we have with ourselves. And we try to meet other people's needs and say, okay, well, I committed to this. I'm going to let this person down. If I leave, I have to fulfill my obligation.
Michelle Pualani: But at the end of the day, if you're really soul searching and if you're really tuned into yourself. As you grow older, as you become an adult, as you do a lot of this self discovery and personal development, then you have the opportunity to say, I know that I said yes to this before, but it's still within my ability to say no now.
Michelle Pualani: And I can say no whenever I want. Doesn't matter what I've agreed to so far. I mean, even just think about consent and sex. Just thinking about sex is like, if I'm getting hot and heavy with a guy, which the same thing, I have seen more men naked than you.
Joanna Newton: good for you like
Michelle Pualani: Yeah.
Joanna Newton: Like [00:34:00] that would have been great.
Michelle Pualani: I mean, it's not to say that any of those were bad or good experiences. But it's not to say that I needed to have all of those experiences, but I am glad that I had those experiences prior to meeting my now husband, Jeremy. And I've been with Jeremy for over 10 years, so he's the only person that I've been with in a long time, relatively speaking, to my life, you know, almost about a third of my life at this point.
Michelle Pualani: So when I was in, not with Jeremy, obviously, and actually even now, cause I will say just because your husband and wife doesn't mean that you consistently and always have consent to have sex with the other person.
Michelle Pualani: That is, that is not what a marriage is nor any relationship for that matter. But again, rabbit hole. So when I was in that dating space, even if you started down that path with a person, for me, a man, you have at any point the right to say no. That is consent. Right? Just because you said yes before doesn't mean that you have to [00:35:00] continue.
Michelle Pualani: You can stop at any time and you have that right and that prerogative. So with anything else that we take on, and this makes me think of a job that I had, one of the only actually big regrets that I have and life lessons that I have is that I actually skipped a wedding for work and I had like put in my notice to the work a couple of weeks.
Michelle Pualani: I didn't ask for the time off. It was a whole thing. And they were actually going out of business soon thereafter. So it was kind of like, it was hectic it wasn't exactly a great environment, but I had this sense of like, no, I have to fulfill my obligation. I have to be there. I have to make good on this thing.
Michelle Pualani: thing that I committed to. And yes, there is something to be said about your integrity and how you're building relationships and showing up with other people. That's not typically what we're talking about here. That's another discussion. But what we are talking about is when something doesn't feel right, or you have something else that's a bigger and higher priority.
Michelle Pualani: For you and [00:36:00] your life path, you have to do that and be okay with disappointing other people and that's okay. And that's definitely something I wish I'd learned earlier is that it's okay to disappoint other people when you are maintaining integrity with yourself and fulfilling your life goals. What you need, what you want, what you desire.
Michelle Pualani: Because I was the kind of person that was like, Oh my God, I could never just not show up to work and totally let everybody else down. And people did that all the time. And so I wish that I'd done that more. but yeah, I'm ready for my next lesson. Are you ready for the next lesson?
Joanna Newton: no, let's, let's move
Michelle Pualani: move on to the next lesson. So the next lesson for me is embracing more. Risk. I think that I've spent a good amount of time in my comfort zone and staying safe. although it's important, especially as a business owner to calculate a certain level of risk, if you're looking at a new business and you say, okay, I need to garner 10 million of [00:37:00] capital in order to get this business started.
Michelle Pualani: And it's not going to be very viable because of X, Y, and Z. And I have to look at all of these different components of measuring my success rate and whether I'm really willing to take on the risk of that 10 million in capital. Okay, that's not, again, what we're saying here.
Michelle Pualani: What we're saying is it's okay to take risk and put yourself out of your comfort zone more often because life is really long. Like, life is long. I'm only 33 right now, turned 34 this year, but I have lived a very long life already and hopefully I live a whole nother 33 years and then some. And I can do a lot within that time frame.
Michelle Pualani: They always say that you overestimate what you can get done in a day, but you underestimate what you can get done in a year. we oftentimes don't give ourselves enough space to say, these are all the things that I want to do this year, and I can accomplish all of these things, or I can take the risk to make it happen.
Michelle Pualani: [00:38:00] And we keep ourselves in this comfort zone and in this place of like, no, this is where I know that I'm safe, no, I can't do that thing that I really want to do, no, I don't want to take that opportunity. No, I can't go to that place. No, I can't write that book. No, I can't put that social media post out there.
Michelle Pualani: No, I could never create that product and program. And we internalize a lot of that because our brains are meant to keep us safe. They're meant to keep us in that comfort zone. I wish that I could go back and tell myself that the opportunities that I turned down or that I avoided were actually great opportunities for some amount of risk and putting myself outside the comfort zone so that I could take more action when it came to me, as opposed to saying like, Oh, I'll do that someday, or it's not a good time for that.
Michelle Pualani: I wish that I'd really seen that. opportunities to do things that were outside of the norm, and not worry again about the impact of it, or, well, what about my [00:39:00] future? Well, what about needing to have the right job? Well, what about, you know, Needing to, again, meet my family's needs, my friend's needs, my school's needs, you know, instead of actually thinking about, like, no, this is what I'm inspired to do.
Michelle Pualani: This is what I'm being motivated to do, and this is the opportunity that's in front of me, and I'm going to seize it. I'm going to take that risk.
Joanna Newton: I think that's such a good lesson. I think that's something like I need to learn now. Like, like, I should tell my now self that. Um, one of the things that like, this is gonna sound like I'm bragging, but I promise you I am not. I have not, That really failed at much in my life, like I have the things I've gone for.
Joanna Newton: I have gotten. So when I did acting and I wanted a certain part, I often got it right when, and my, when I really wanted a certain job or a promotion. And then. I got it when I started my business, you know, [00:40:00] it has been successful, but the fact that I haven't really, I'm not saying there hasn't been little setbacks or issues.
Joanna Newton: Right. But like, I haven't like gone for something big and fell flat on my face. And likely that's not because I'm just some sort of magic unicorn who doesn't fail. It's likely because I haven't reached the potential Of what I can do, right? Because I haven't gone for anything. I wasn't ready for yet. I haven't gone for something that was that outside of my reach, for me, thinking about like, what sorts of big things am I missing out on? Because I'm not. Taking that leap. an outsider would think I take lots of leaps to be honest, right? Like I quit a job this year, like a really good job and started a business that looks like a big leap, but I didn't do it till I was sure it was going to be successful.
Joanna Newton: it was already working. Do you know what I mean? I was already making money. And so, [00:41:00] you know, I knew that there was more money coming in. I was ready for that. So actually what would life look like if I took risks when they were actually. You know, risks not like, Ooh, this is 85 percent it's going to work.
Joanna Newton: You know what I mean? Like how, what would that look like? And what sort of success could I see?
Michelle Pualani: Yeah, I think that failure is a sign that you're putting yourself in places that are there. Yeah. Going to help you grow and create and build resilience. We should be failing, like we should be getting a lot more no's than yeses. When you look at a ton of business examples, KFC is coming to mind, Canva is coming to mind, and some other really big names that asked and put themselves out there and got no after no after no after no.
Michelle Pualani: But they've moved on to be multi million or billion dollar companies. And we think that if we get a no, that it should just be a, an immediate [00:42:00] like, Oh, well, then this obviously isn't the right thing for me, or I've got to make a change, or I've got to pivot now, but we should be getting lots of no's. And if we're tuned into our own intuition and our alignment, then, The no is just, okay, great.
Michelle Pualani: Not there. Try this. And it doesn't even mean no forever. It means a not yet or not now, because there are opportunities that come back in the future. It Cosmetics for Jamie Kern Lima. That was a big one for her with QVC. QVC had turned It Cosmetics and Jamie down many times before she finally got on. And then she went on to be their top selling makeup line on the show of all time.
Michelle Pualani: the funny thing is, I think that it takes the no's and the failures to create that inevitable success because without them, you wouldn't keep going. You wouldn't build the resilience.
Michelle Pualani: I always think about this with my path is that if things had taken off a lot sooner for me, I don't know where my path would have led me. It might've been like, [00:43:00] Oh, that was great. Now I'm going to go do something else. Or maybe when I encountered setbacks or failures in the future, then it would have broken me a lot more easily Because I felt like since things are easy from the beginning that they should continue to be that way. So I feel like if I'm in it now, then I've really proven to myself that with all of the setbacks and failures that came along with starting, launching, and growing my business, then it's like, okay, that inevitable success on the other side of no, no, no is 100 percent going to be there.
Joanna Newton: good. There you have so many good lessons on
Michelle Pualani: So many good
Joanna Newton: episode. So many good lessons. Um, and I want to take a minute to read through some of our listeners, our social media followers and their thoughts.
Joanna Newton: So now we're going to take some time to share some feedback from our listeners. We love hearing from our listeners. And if you ever have any thoughts on the show, you can. Leave us a review, find us on social media, everything's linked in the show notes. [00:44:00] Let us know what you think to get a shout out on our show or to have your thoughts shared on our podcast.
Joanna Newton: So the first one I want to share, I love this feedback. Lessons she would have taught her younger self is don't max out your credit cards. And I think that's so good. Use them, but don't max them out.
Michelle Pualani: Beautiful. I love it. Simple, concise, succinct, to the point. Next lesson. If your parents don't like the person you are dating, pay attention to them. I like this one because I feel like this applies to friends as well and other family members, not just your parents.
Michelle Pualani: But with that comes, you have to actually say something out loud for people to know that you don't like them. So I actually dated people and then after I broke up with them, everyone was like, oh yeah, I really couldn't stand that guy. I'm like, well, why didn't you say anything? Like you could have helped me end that a lot sooner.
Michelle Pualani: Like. Hello, let me know. And so oftentimes we like internalize or don't say something because we think we're going to hurt somebody's feelings or what if [00:45:00] they end up marrying them? Goodness. realistically, it's like, you got to speak your mind. You got to get your thoughts out there and share those kinds of things with people.
Joanna Newton: I know I am not always the most subjective person when it comes to the people that I choose to love. Like as friends, as family, like, and sometimes it takes that outside perspective to be like, this is not for you. And at least they could be right or wrong, but I think the key is pay attention.
Joanna Newton: Listen to what they're saying. See if it has merit. The next one is that not everything has to work out the way you hoped. Sometimes it's better, which I think is. So good. Sometimes when you don't get the result you want, you don't get the job you want, something happens, there's a twist, there's a turn in your life.
Joanna Newton: It can be so easy to just be super disappointed. But a lot of times things can come out better, right? Trust the process, trust the flow, keep moving on your life, and you could just end up so much better than you ever even imagined.
Michelle Pualani: Yeah. When you set the [00:46:00] intention, the desire, when you have the want, you don't have to know how it's all going to come together, allowing the universe to kind of let things fall into place and not be so controlling about it. Next lesson is that you can't be truly great at anything if you try to be good at everything, which does make sense because if you're putting your focus in all of these directions, then you're really not going to become that true genius or savant or, master at that one thing. it's like that saying, Jack of all trades, but ace of none.
Michelle Pualani: So you can know and do a lot of different things, but maybe you're not going to be able to master one or two things. And that can really diminish your authority if you're in the business space or a coach.
Michelle Pualani: So sometimes it's really beneficial to be really good or that expert at that one thing.
Joanna Newton: It's so good. Like sometimes you need to specialize, you need to specialize, figure out what you're best at and hone in on that, rather than trying to be everything to everyone and just constantly falling short. The next [00:47:00] one is, compulsive heterosexuality will not, Fix your trauma and for people listening, I'm not sure if everyone has heard the term compulsive heterosexuality before.
Joanna Newton: It's actually a term for me that I actually only recently, before I saw this, I knew what it was, but I only recently learned and it's the idea that the assumption is that you're heterosexual. Right? The assumption is that you want to be with someone of the opposite sex. So you don't even Think that it could be possible that you like someone of the same sex.
Joanna Newton: And, you know, for this person, this is so connected to their identity that they would want to tell their younger self that this isn't going to make you better. This isn't going to heal your pain and that you should just embrace your sexuality, which I think is a beautiful thing.
Michelle Pualani: Yeah, that's a really deep one. That's the one that [00:48:00] someone is experiencing shoving themselves down, not honoring who they are at their core and almost trying to fix that or mask it in some way. Okay, next lesson. Know your worth financially, in relationships, and everything else. We didn't talk about self worth today, but it's definitely one of my life lessons that I wish I had learned sooner.
Michelle Pualani: Self worth and value independent of anything else. Not being able to look at a relationship, look at a work situation, look at my finances, look at my state of health, look at anything and say that that determines my worth. Now you can know your worth and your value when it comes to what you offer and having that be independent from yourself,
Joanna Newton: And our last listener feedback for lessons that we would teach our younger selves. is that mindset is everything. [00:49:00] And I think for me, this is a big thing that I'm focused on this year is like how my mindset affects, affects things. But it is amazing how much you can affect outcomes, Affect, affect energy, affect your results, affect your feeling of self worth when you focus on your mindset.
Joanna Newton: And for someone like me, who's like a doer, I'm like an action oriented person. This one's tough for me because. I think, well, if I'm not checking things off the list, I'm not accomplishing anything. But man, when your mindset is right, like really cool things start to happen.
Michelle Pualani: Beautiful. I would absolutely 100 percent agree. We are our perceptions. We are our belief systems and that creates our habits and our patterns. Obviously, Joanna, you and I are getting into this very much along the same lines with what we're reading or paying attention to, and I think that how we show up in the world, which is how we think [00:50:00] and the way in which we approach our lives, is so pivotal.
Michelle Pualani: in the actions we take, the relationships that we build, the risks that we go after, the opportunities that we seize, and everything that creates our lives and our businesses. So I think it's critically important that we reflect on these things. I love these life lessons because we are continuously learning them to some degree, even if we can consciously say, this is a lesson that I've learned up until this point.
Michelle Pualani: but we always have to continue to embody and embrace those lessons as we move forward in our lives.
Joanna Newton: So thank you so much for listening as we discussed our life lessons. If you didn't know, we have an amazing community group with this podcast and we want you to come join us there. Um, we'll put this episode in the group and then we want to hear your life lessons.
Joanna Newton: So join the group, tell us what you think. We can't [00:51:00] wait to see you there. You know, the big thing that I'm taking away from this episode, Which is maybe not what I thought I would take away when I thought about creating this episode is that it is never too late to make a change in your life, to change your mindset, to do something different, to be someone different.
Joanna Newton: So if you're listening today and you're just thinking, Oh, I wish I knew this. I wish I knew that when I was younger, you don't have to wish. You know, you can be that thing now, make that change now and make those changes to put your life in a better place. And don't worry about putting yourself first or putting your business first as you go on in the world.
Thanks for tuning in. Find the link in the show notes to join us in the Her First Collective, a free Facebook group to discuss the podcast, ask questions of our [00:52:00] guest experts, and network with a group of female entrepreneurs who value collaboration over competition. Please subscribe, share, leave a review, and be sure to catch our next episode.
What is one thing you can do today to prioritize you in business and life?
